


The Hiatus

by erenyaeger



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 14:38:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8212312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erenyaeger/pseuds/erenyaeger
Summary: To the uninitiated, this probably sounds like a break up. That probably would have been easier, Eren thought bitterly, because usually when you break up with someone you’ve decided they’re not that great anymore and you’re ready to move on.
   That is not at all what happened, and Eren has not moved on. Modern Eremin AU. Imagine the boys are, at the end of or just graduating uni. This sounds like angst but it's actually just very angsty hurt comfort.





	

It had been months, but it could have been years. Or maybe it was only days. Perhaps it was an odd number of weeks, which really could have been months again. Whatever it had really been, though, it dragged on unpleasantly long.

 

Eren remembered the moment that preceded this strange amount of time that he couldn’t quite pinpoint quite clearly, and he stared at the hole in his wall that he hadn’t yet patched up as he thought about it. He wondered if Armin remembered. He clenched his fist again and gritted his teeth, fighting the urge to punch another hole in the wall again as he thought, bitterly, that the blonde had probably moved on already. Easy for him; he wasn’t the one who died inside a little that day.

 

To the uninitiated, this probably sounds like a break up. That probably would have been easier, Eren thought bitterly, because usually when you break up with someone you’ve decided they’re not that great anymore and you’re ready to move on.

 

That is not at all what happened, and Eren has not moved on.

 

Eren’s cracked phone screen reminds him, mocking him, that he was never able to decide that Armin wasn’t that great. If he had, he thinks, maybe this would stop stinging and making him so irritable that he snaps at his neighbor who keeps trying to engage him in conversation in the elevator.

 

Eren remembers the initial sting well, because he’s not sure that it ever stopped stinging.

 

 _Fuck him_ , Eren wants to think, _fuck him, fuck him, fuck him._

 

He wishes it was angry, decisive, done, but all he can conjure up are images of what he would imagine the blonde would look like against his sheets, which doesn’t make this any easier.

 

 _Fuck him_ , Eren thinks, and then _I wish_.

 

He would like to say he’s not sure if he means the former meaning or the latter, but he knows exactly what he means and he hates himself for it.

 

* * *

   


Armin sits staring at his phone, trying to think of the perfect message to send to Eren.

 

It can’t be too inflammatory. Apparently trying to talk to Eren about his stupid co-workers triggers fury- _why don’t you just text them, then,_ he’d asked, and Armin didn’t know how to tell Eren they were just props for him to use to try and talk to Eren again.

 

In retrospect, though, that silence probably read to Eren as though he had taken him up on the suggestion and Armin kicked himself for it later.

 

It also can’t be too vague, though, because the last time he tried a simple “hi” Eren simply responded with _that’s all you’ve got after this long?_

 

What Armin really, truly wanted to ask was “how are you”, because perhaps if Eren told him it might give him some more insight into that night some months ago.

 

Of course, it also might simply earn a string of explicatives at this rate. Maybe Armin deserved as much, though, if he couldn’t figure out what on earth he had done to push the best friend he had ever had away from him.

 

Armin started typing.

 

* * *

  


**How are you?**

 

Eren’s phone lit up with the words, and he scoffed a little.

 

 **Awful.** He responded, tucking his phone away, because the most that they’d managed was a question and response format since that night and he figured the conversation was about done.

 

Admittedly, the reply startled him.

 

**Do you want to talk about it?**

 

He was getting braver. Eren was perplexed, because a part of him wanted to scream _you waited this fucking long to ask and now you want me to believe you care_ but he did, so desperately, want to believe Armin cared for a minute.

 

_Fuck him._

 

* * *

  


**Do you actually want to listen?**

 

The text lit Armin’s screen, and Armin could tell Eren was pushing. He steeled himself and tried to stay calm, because honestly that was what Eren needed most of the time.

 

 **I’m pretty good at listening.** He offered, although as soon as he hit send he realized that he’d set himself up.

 

 **Are you?** Eren challenged, and Armin wondered what else he had expected.

 

 **I know you probably don’t think so right now.** He tried again. **It’s kind of hard to prove it if you don’t let me try, though.**

 

Silence. Had he lost him? He started composing another text when Eren’s finally came through.

 

**So I’m supposed to let you try again after you fuck up when you just fucking dropped me when I fucked up?**

 

Armin couldn’t stay calm anymore. He was losing him all over again, and although he had no one to blame but himself he _missed Eren_ and he felt like he was going to crawl out of his skin if this was what pushed him away for good.

 

 **Do you just want to tell me what I did wrong?** He tried with shaky hands, and he must have been shaking so much that the vibrations in his hand felt dull.

**Yes. Since you got to.**

 

He supposed if this was what it took, he could try. He supposed this was really what he had been trying to figure out by asking Eren how he was, anyway, as scary as it was.

 

 **We can meet up somewhere.** Armin offered, suddenly aching to see the brunette again.

 

**What’s even open at 10 at night that’s not a loud bar?**

**There’s that weird 24 hour coffee shop.**

**Fine.**

**I’ll buy.**

**Okay.**

It occurred to Armin that he should probably specify which one he meant (although there weren’t very many, there were enough that it could get confusing in this city) but Eren sent him an estimate for his arrival at the address and Armin realized that, on some level, they must still be able to read each other.

 

Maybe there was hope. Maybe, like the kind of maybe where you see a car that’s totaled and think _maybe_ the passengers inside are still alive.

 

Maybe.

 

* * *

  


Armin made it there first (he lived significantly closer), and when he heard the humming of Eren’s motorcycle outside his eyes followed immediately.

 

God he looked good. He even looked good with his hair tousled from taking off his helmet. A knot formed in his throat as he remembered how desperately he had tried to get over the brunette and failed.

 

Eren walked in, scanning the area, and when his sight fell on Armin he noticed Armin had acquired his usual already.

 

“You remembered.” Eren commented, and Armin nodded.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I’m surprised you even showed up.” Eren clipped as he sat down, and it stung the blonde.

 

“Then why did you come?” He squeaked, and Eren took a swig of his drink.

 

“So you couldn’t say I didn’t if you did.”

 

The statement was so, quintessentially Eren, and despite the cold Armin’s heart ached for him.

 

“So are you going to tell me what I did?” Armin prompted gently, and he noticed the corner of Eren’s mouth twitch.

 

“You’re not even going to try and defend yourself? You don’t have a strategy for this?” To the uninitiated it may have sounded like he was mocking the blonde, but Armin knew enough to know that Eren was just on edge and not ready to trust him yet.

 

And why should he?

 

“There’s… there’s probably not a good reason, for whatever it was. Look, the longer I think about the whole thing the more confused I get.” Armin admitted. “So what do you think about it?”

 

Eren sighed, looking down at his coffee.

 

“We’re going to be up a while if you want to know that. So are you saying I need to give you a recap of something that you were there for, too?”

 

“I just want to know what you thought it was.” Armin explained, voice slightly whimpery, and Eren sighed.

 

“Well, that’s a different question. I thought it was you telling me to fuck off.” He said, locking eyes with the blonde, and Armin shivered. Eren looked wild. It was terrifying. And arousing.

 

“That’s really not what I wanted to do.” He breathed.

 

“Wasn’t it?” Eren asked, and the blonde shook his head.

 

“No.”

 

“Then what? What was the purpose of fucking that?” Eren got a little louder. “Why the fuck would you do that to me?”

 

“Can you please give me that recap now?” Armin asked pitifully, and Eren growled a little.

 

“You. Were. There.” He snarled.

 

“Yes but _clearly_ we were having two different conversations and so I just want to know the conversation that you thought that we were having!” Armin blurted out, finally flustered, and Eren sat silent for a moment.

 

“You really wanna know?” Eren sighed. “You really wanna know, and you’re not going to jump in and try to mindfuck me in the middle? You just want to know?”

 

“Yes. I can even be quiet if you want.” Armin tried.

 

“… Just no rebuttals.” Eren sighed, because he knew no talking might take a lot for a boy who felt out the world with his words instead of his fists, and Armin nodded.

 

“I wanted to know how you were, that day, partially because I worried about you a lot with the stuff that was going on and partially because I missed you.”

 

“The stuff?”

 

“I said no rebuttals.”

 

“I’m trying to clarify.”

 

“The stuff with you not eating.” Eren responded briskly, and Armin looked down and nodded.

 

“Right.” Armin mumbled, not bothering to tell Eren it hadn’t been any better since he stopped checking in on him.

 

“So I was worried about you. But I was also selfish because I just liked making sure you were still there. So that’s why I asked you out to dinner.”

 

Armin nodded. That was the part that made the most sense to him in his memory.

 

“So we went to dinner and I asked you how things were again, and- fuck. I can’t do this, Armin.”

 

“Please.” Armin begged, and Eren stared back at him. There was a long, long pause.

 

“…So I asked you how things were and you said they were going good because you met some boys. That were also gay.”

 

Armin waited, anxiously, because this was the part where his memory had gotten foggy.

 

“And you were at dinner with me and all you wanted to do was talk about them. They didn’t fucking buy you dinner or stay up with you at night when you were busy hating yourself. Fuck, Armin, they didn’t even pay attention to you unless you were at the same parties and they forgot about you the second I came to bring you home. But all you wanted to do was talk about them. At dinner. With me.”

 

Eren bit the inside of his cheek, drawing blood, and Armin started to remember what he said. His stomach sunk a little when he remembered how goddamn stupid he must have sounded, but he wondered why Eren, who could have whatever pretty girlfriend he wanted, would care so much about some gay boys at a party, because the conclusions he’d came to had never really made sense.

 

At least he’d gotten the part about that being what infuriated Eren right, though- but why? Why was that the trigger? He wondered if Eren would tell him.

 

“There’s not a pretty way to say this- I was so fucking mad at you. I was right there, across the table from you, on call whenever you called me, I took care of you when you were drunk off your ass and they’d probably just let you choke on your own vomit while they took more jell-o shots, but all you wanted to do was talk about them. I’m selfish and I wanted you to talk about us.”

 

The way Eren said _us_ made Armin shiver, and he couldn’t quite place why. Eren couldn’t have meant it the way he was thinking about it, at any rate.

 

“And so that’s why I kept trying to re-direct you. I thought maybe, and obviously I was being too optimistic, that you would want to make plans for Valentine’s day together because we spent every Valentine’s day together since we met and _do you know how many people I turned down to make sure that day was just for you_? And then you’re telling me you’re going to this stupid “singles awareness” shots party that this asshole guy is hosting that’s going to end in date rape for someone probably? And you got surprised when I was fucking upset that you’d ditch me for that?”

 

Eren’s voice pitched at the end, and Armin noticed his lip shaking.

 

“And then you had the nerve to tell me I could make plans, too, when my plans were you. So that was it. I was done. That’s when I told you that you could find your own ride home and left.”

 

Eren’s voice softened, and he sighed. “That admittedly was a fucking stupid thing to say. I worried about you all night when V-day rolled around.”

 

“You know I never went.” Armin finally offered.

 

“Saw on your blog. Was worried the whole time you’d let one of those sleezebags take you, though.” Eren mumbled.

 

“They never offered.” Armin laughed, a little bitterly. “I don’t think they cared if I showed up, anyway. It’s not like I ever put out. Ever.” Armin clarified at the end, hoping Eren would catch on.

 

“Good.” Eren mumbled, and that reminded Armin that there were some things that he really wanted to ask.

 

“I remember that conversation.” Armin confirmed. “It mostly makes sense the way you told it. But I think you’re missing a part, and I wanted to hear what you thought about it because there are still some things I don’t understand—”

 

“It wasn’t clear enough already that I was tired of putting in all of the effort and not seeing you give anything back?” Eren asked, and Armin bit his lip.

 

“Look, I was awful. I get it. You can even tell me if it would make you feel better. But… there was another part of this conversation. I’m sure you didn’t forget it. I think it was the part that upset you most. I need to know why.” Armin offered gently.

 

“You’re awful.” Eren mumbled.

 

“I know.” Armin almost cooed. “Because I asked you _why you didn’t want me to be happy_ when you were just trying to protect me. That was awful. What I meant was…”

 

Armin took a shuddering breath in and Eren waited. There was more silence.

 

“Go on.” Eren spat, and Armin swallowed the lump in his throat.

 

“You didn’t want me to date the boys. You rejected every girl who ever asked you out, not just for Valentine’s day. I watched you, you know. I saw how many times you turned people down. And now you just told me you were glad I never put out.”

 

 _Fuck_ , Eren thought,

 

“Eren… it just sounds a whole lot like something that it’s probably not—.”

 

“Well what the fuck does it sound like?” Eren snapped, and Armin flushed a deep red and looked down at his hands on his tea.

 

“I… this is really, _really_ self indulgent but that’s why I need help piecing things together… it… sounds a lot like you’re jealous… and usually when people are jealous, about things like that, it’s because… there’s… feelings…”

 

Eren didn’t interrupt him this time. Armin wasn’t sure he would get that far, and now he was fumbling.

 

“And I guess it’s just… hard for me because I’ve been in love with you since we met in freshman year, and I’ve been trying to make peace with the fact that you don’t feel the same way—”

 

Armin loved him. _Armin loved him_. Armin loved _him_?

 

“Did it ever occur to you to just not fucking do that?” Eren yelled finally, unable to get much else out because _they could have completely avoided this and why the fuck didn’t they_ , and most people would have been so intimidated by the ferocity in his voice that they would have completely missed what Eren just said.

 

Luckily, Armin wasn’t most people.

 

“… Why shouldn’t I?” Armin asked quietly, sounding even quieter compared to how loud Eren was. “I need you to tell me, because the way you’re going implies—”

 

“For fuck’s sake Armin it doesn’t _imply_ anything will you just stop with the bullshit flowery language for a goddamn minute, it means I fucking loved you and you ripped my heart out and stepped on it and _you’re killing me_! There! Are you happy now?”

 

Eren’s voice wavered at the end, and Armin’s eyes welled with tears. He tried frantically to blink them back.

 

“No. Because that means I must have been killing you for a long time before this.” Armin squeaked, thinking back to the moment in freshman year, on Eren’s dorm bed, when the brunette had asked if he liked anyone and Armin panicked and said the name of a boy he barely even knew.

 

“So we’re _finally_ on the same page!” Eren exclaimed, his voice cracking as his eyes glassed over and Armin leaned across the table to pull him into a tight hug.

 

“God. God I’m so sorry.” Armin murmured into his hair, and when he felt Eren’s shoulders shaking he realized it might be one of the rare times where he saw Eren cry.

 

It was a lot like a desert, with Eren. He was hot tempered as hell, enough to burn people usually, but when it finally did rain it poured.

 

Armin could feel tears on the shoulder of his shirt and he held Eren tighter, biting back his own.

 

“I’m so, so sorry.” He mumbled, pressing a shaky kiss into Eren’s hair. It was a bold move, but somehow with Eren’s earlier admission it seemed as though it may comfort the other boy.

 

The sobbing slowed a little.

 

“Did you just not want me or something?” Eren whimpered, and he sounded so pitiful Armin had a hard time believing this was the same boy who knocked a boy’s teeth out for him once.

 

“Eren, no, I told you I was- am,” Armin amended boldly “really in love with you, I just thought—”

 

“You mean assumed.” Eren sniffled, and Armin combed his fingers through the boy’s hair.

 

“That’s a good way to put it, yeah. I assumed you wouldn’t ever be interested in boys, and I’m sorry. I didn’t think us,” he thought back to when Eren had said it, and it made so much more sense now “was ever going to be a reality.”

 

“You spend too much time in your head and not enough time looking out of it.” Eren mumbled into the crook of Armin’s neck, and Armin kissed his temple.

 

“What do you mean, sweetheart?” Armin tried, selfishly trying things out while Eren was at a low point. At least he seemed to be responding favorably.

 

“Did it not occur to you that most friends don’t spoon and sleep together? Or shower together? Or go to couple’s nights together?”

 

“I thought you were just trying to be supportive of the me liking boys thing and felt bad because you thought I was too pathetic to get a date.” Armin announced, and Eren shook his head.

 

“You’ve also assumed that I didn’t think you were completely capable of getting a date and afraid of that. And there are a lot of other ways to support someone. I’m just selfish, you know? You know me better than anyone but you don’t really know me, do you?”

 

“I do know you.” Armin insisted. “I just… also know me, and I thought maybe I guilted you or manipulated you into taking care of me like that and _fuck_ Eren I don’t know this sounds really stupid knowing what I know now, just- can you understand why I might have thought that, when I didn’t think I had a chance with you?”

 

“Yeah. You are good at messing with people’s heads; it’s kind of hot.”

 

Armin finally giggled a little.

 

“You think?

 

“Yeah.” Eren grinned a little.

 

Armin kept holding him, awkwardly as the table edge dug into his side, and he kissed Eren’s hair again timidly.

 

“So… what are you feeling now?”

 

“Have I implied anything this time?” Eren asked, and Armin leaned his cheek against him.

 

“I think I’ve learned not to assume things about your feelings for me.”

 

“Good.” Eren replied, and that was all he said until Armin tried prompting him again.

 

“Look. You would deserve to get back at me for hurting you, if you wanted. I would understand. But I need to know if you still feel anything for me, after I fucked all of this up. Just- anything at all.”

 

“I was furious at you for a couple months. If I didn’t care anymore I guess I wouldn’t have been.”

 

“That’s better than nothing.” Armin mumbled. The pair was silent again for a while, Armin holding Eren still and Eren letting Armin hold him.

 

“Is there a chance?” Armin asked finally, a lump in his throat again, and Eren hummed.

 

“A chance of what?”

 

“A chance of you maybe loving me again.” Armin asked, and it felt like a knife twisting in his gut as the realization that Eren _loved_ him (past tense) hit him again.

 

“I think if I stopped loving you I would have stopped being angry before tonight.” Eren said, and Armin squeezed tightly.

 

“Do you want to tell me what that means?” The blonde asked anxiously, and Eren sighed.

 

“It means I still love you and I’m really, really angry. About everything, especially the part where we could have just not fucking done this for the past three years. But I didn’t ever stop loving you. I kind of wished I did, earlier, but I guess it’s okay that I didn’t, knowing what I know now. Basically I still love you. But I’m upset right now.”

 

“I love you too.” Armin smiled, lips quivering, and Eren finally wrapped his arms around Armin in return.

 

“This was never really how I imagined this going.” Eren mumbled against the crook of Armin’s neck. “The telling each other I-love-you thing, I mean.”

 

“How did you imagine it going?” Armin asked.

 

“I dunno. Less crying, maybe.”

 

“I probably would have cried either way. It might have been happier, though.”

 

“Fair observation.”

 

“… If you’re upset with me but you still love me, where do we go from here?” Armin asked, and Eren shrugged.

 

“Out of this coffee shop, I guess. Maybe back to my place. I actually have food in the fridge. You probably haven’t been out for groceries in a week.”

 

“You know me, too.” Armin smiled. “But I mean—”

 

“I know what you meant.” Eren admitted. “I don’t know right now, though. I’m too selfish to try and let you get over me again, but I’m upset. It feels like you killed me and got off scot-free. But I don’t want to be without you anymore, not ever again, I was so fucking empty. But I can’t just get over the whole part where you destroyed me right now.”

 

“We can start with me not ever letting you go again; that wasn’t good for either of us.” Armin soothed, “And I was never really over you so you really don’t have to worry about losing me to anyone else, I promise. And I can let you do whatever you wanted to even things out, for the whole… just the whole thing.” The blonde offered, and Eren rubbed his waist.

 

“Yeah. The first part sounds good. I just have no idea what else I want to do right now, though. I don’t have it in me to hurt you, though, if that’s what you’re getting at with making things even.” Said the boy who’d broken someone’s nose before, and it made Armin love him and _desperately_ need to find a way to make things up to him even more.

 

“It doesn’t have to hurt. It could be something that we’d both like.” Armin tried to smile, realizing he was twenty-something years old and had no goddamn idea how to be suggestive. Never putting out before probably had something to do with not knowing how to, Armin supposed, but it didn't seem that Eren minded at least.

 

“That still feels like you’re getting off too easy and I feel like I’m kind of awful for saying that.” Eren mumbled, and Armin kissed his hair. “That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take you up on it, though.” The brunette added quickly, and Armin smiled. At least Eren seemed to get where he’d been going with that.

 

“You can. And you’re not awful. I have no one to blame but myself but you have me to blame for this. What if you take me home and we talk more?” The blonde tried, leaning in to whisper “I’m sure we could find something that you’d be happy with, if we talked about it in a little more detail.”

 

Eren nodded finally standing up and taking Armin’s hand to lead him out. Admittedly, talking more sounded nice. He had some grievances that he wanted heard. And maybe after he got those off of his mind he could get off another way and bury it, finally.

 

Maybe. It was like taking pain-killers for an injury. Maybe one dose would do it. Maybe he needed an aspirin regimen. But at least he felt alive again.


End file.
